WHEN PIRATE'S SEE RED

It should have come as no surprise to me that when Brittany Spears shaved her head the entire country called out for "Rehab!"

But it did.

Rehab?

For a Hair Error?

As a nation we haven't the resources to deal with the magnitude of such indiscretions!

And so I did the only thing I could do.

I shoved the box of hair dye deeper into the trash bin, Clorox sprayed the splatter from the shower curtain (tub, walls, floor, mirror, Dog, slippers, photo of Johnny Depp, toilet seat and both feet-up to my ankles) and figured if I was real quiet no one would notice all that much.

Boy, was I wrong.

Ok. In my defense I'm starting a superhero show next week. I thought it would be fun. And appropriate. And appropriately fun. Also, if you must know, the pretty girl on the box (who had been relegated to a lower shelf for the past six months) started making hopeful come-hither gestures to me whenever I opened the linen closet.

Well, that and the Sangria kicked in.

And....and....ok, fine you big nosy......I sort of like this geeky guy who's never ever going to notice I'm alive (and will hopefully never read this blog, either......) but I have it on good authority that geeky guys like red hair.

So, yeah, it's red.

Comic book red.

Leave Peter Parker dangling open mouthed from a wad of Silly String red.

Crayola Crayon has yet to come up with a name for this red red.

Red.

Ok, I thought as I discarded six towels, my toothbrush and stabbed the eyes out of the pretty girl on the box for good measure, I can live with this.

And I did. All weekend long.

Unfortunately, I eventually had to leave my house.

I decided to take the dignified approach: Pretend I Didn't Do It.

Three minutes into the parking lot at work I abandoned that plan in favor of the infinitely more creative: Grade People on Their (ahem) Witty Comments.

The following are real and actual comments made to me on my first day out of the house as a red head and my (mostly) imagined responses:

1. "Is that a wig?"

D- Too boring to merit an answer.

2. "What happened to your hair?"

D- Me: "I had beets for supper last night. Who knew?"

3. "What did you DO?"

D Me: "Well, I was taken by a cult and this is what they made me do. When they saw it

they let me go."

4. "Your hair is pretty."

Me: "Thank you."

Did you MEAN for it to come out that color?

B+ I liked that one. Complimentary yet with subtle undertones of sarcasm.

5. "Is that part of a costume?"

C Me: "Damn. Now I've got to pay the overdue charges at the Rent-a-Hooker Wig & Bait

Shop!

6. "I like (drool-lick-slurp) red heads......."

Um....A....now keep moving.........

7. "Does your Dog still recognize you?"

I give this one an A.

Not a bad logic leap I suppose. Right up there with the lady in the Dog

Park, who also had a Yellow Lab, who looked at me with panic stricken eyes as our two dogs

romped in the snow...clutched my arm and said: "How are we going to tell them apart when

it's time to leave?"

Me: "Um...we'll ask them for ID?"

In all fairness I DID hear a confused canine-like howl when I removed the hair towel for the first time but after I came to I realized that it had just been me.

And now for my absolute all time favorite said to me by a homeless guy outside the library:

8. "WOAH! That is RED!"

And then incongruously enough: "Are you from around here?"

A definite A++

Me: "No. I'm from the planet zeP. And if you don't let go of my boot I'll....hey, are you going

to finish that Twinkie?"

And so it goes.

It's funny how change affects people.

And interestingly odd how people react to change around them.

As for myself? I'm starting to like it. It's different.

And sometimes different is good for the soul.

Life's too short to always walk the same path.

And I don't expect the geeky guy I'm smitten with to ever know I'm alive.....

But at least now I know.

And to Brittany I say: "You do it, Girl! And add a few more tattoo's before that hair starts to grow in as a reminder that life isn't about what other people think."

Now. Where did I put that Spandex onesie?

MLRF '07

CONSULT THE BEAVER: VALENTINE'S EDITION

CONSULT THE BEAVER: ADVICE FOR TH' LOVE WORN

is a service provided by Foxmorton's Blog.

Advice not guaranteed nor lab tested though

once or twice circumstances arose where

we surprised ourselves. Foxmorton takes

no responsibility for damages incurred

whilst heedin' said advice.

Names will be changed t' protect yer dignity.

Though I'm thinkin' iffen ye had any o' that left ye wouldn't be writin'.

No Beaver's were harmed in th' answerin'

o' these questions though a few have

been reported t' be neglected. ~Foxmorton's Beaver

CONSULT THE BEAVER: WHERE WE GIVES A...DAM...ABOUT YOU!

Ahoy Foxmorton!

Wit' that there bloody Valentine's Day just down th' quay I finds meself adrift wit' nary a sweetness t' be found in me missive box. Ye sees...I did make th' grand mistake o' likin' this here handsome pirate though when I tried t' makes meself noticed I fears I may have come across well...what ye might calls a bit...aggressive. Aye an' it be not like th' bleedin' did na stop directly an' I'm sure his scarrin's goin' t' be all but undetectable...though I has ne'er seen a look o' terror liken unto that even th' time I lashed wee Johnny Knickerknots t' me mizzenmast an' forced him t' take me t' th' Commodore's Parrot Bake an' Hemp Games even though his Mother said no.

Me question: Do ye gets better results wit' hot pine pitch or a goodly grape shot spray t' th' face? I don't wants t' mess up next time 'round.

~Bipolar Annie

Ahoy Annie!

Aye. Th' curse o' all celebratin' days: Bloody Hearts an' Guts Day! They cuts out yer heart then hands ye yer guts! There ought'a be a law, I says. But come what may, an' it always does, there it be an' naught a well-meanin' piratess can do about it 'ceptin' stay half cocked an' fully loaded wit' a good eye out fer them what's on the gettin' end o' romantical gifts an' such an' is pickleheaded enough t' shows 'em t' ye. It ain't a waste o' shot I thinks iffen ye grabs their swag afore they hits th' ground an' reminds 'em on their way down their True Love ain't got no chin.

I feels yer plight. Who makes up a day where only those who be gettin' any get some?

I say we start our own day! We'll calls it: "Ahoy There, Scardypants! Look At This!" But them there Hallmark people has yet t' return me calls.

So, ye've made a wee mistake. Ye flashed yer flintlock afore ye flashed yer smile. Yer a pirate. Get o'er it. An' in my experience ye ain't likely t' make th' same mistake again. Ye e'er sees a pirate wit' TWO hooks? Exactly. Besides, iffen he can't hold up t' th' initial 'Meat & Greet' I'm thinkin' ye weren't goin' t' see no roses an' squid cakes anyhow. I'd tells ye there be other fish in th' sea but that be jus' somethin' stupid people say when they don't want t' be listenin' t' yer love woes. Besides, all them fish got th' same stink on 'em anyways so's it probably wouldn't be doin' ye any favors.

Now, go get's yer self one o' them there dot-to-dot color book's an' a bottle o' good rum an' settles in fer th' long haul. Oh, and pops a headless kipper wit' a dubh through it's heart anonymously in th' mail t' yer intended. E'ery body loves t' get a Valentine.

Fair Winds....an' keep yer chin up. It'll keeps ye from gettin stains on yer bodice.

~Foxmorton

ps. I finds that there hot pitch t' be a bugger t' gets outen yer pirate iffen ye plans on usin' him

again. I'd go with th' grape shot an' jus' wait fer th' scabs t' falls off.

~F.

FOXMORTON'S HOME FOR NEGLECTED BEAVERS...

CURRENTLY SEEKING STAFF

APPLY WITHIN

ADVICE FROM THE BILGE

"LOCK & LOAD...FIRE & FORGET."

~The Admiral

THE COSTUME OF THE DAY

"It's the revolutionary costume. I never wear this in East Hampton."

~Little Edie Beale GREY GARDENS

LET GO OF YOUR NUTS...

*author note: I'm resolving to let go of my nuts this year....mayhap you will as well.....

THE MONKEY AND HIS NUTS...A CAUTIONARY...TAIL...

Once, long ago there lived a happy Monkey deep within the forest...for monkey's don't do well in urban settings.

He was a happy Monkey. And a lucky Monkey. And a happy-go-lucky Monkey as well.

It was a lovely lush forest full of banana trees and banana bushes and banana slurpie stands on every corner. And even though the banana slurpies were a ridiculous five bucks a pop he had one of those little punch cards and could Buy 10 Get the 11th FREE. And so the Monkey was never wanting for his fill of bananas.

Now, all was well in the banana laden forest and the Monkey spent every day exactly the same and he was as happy as a monkey could be. He had no reason to believe that life would ever change.

Until one day...quite suddenly and certainly without warning...he got a Bad Banana.

He hadn't expected it. He didn't believe it. But there it was...his banana was bad.

"A Bad Banana!" said the Monkey. "A Bad Banana!" he repeated in case someone had missed it.

"Why, if THIS banana is bad...then ALL bananas must be bad! I shall NEVER...and I do mean EVER eat a banana again as long as I shall live! I will remain.....BANANA-LESS!"

And that was that.

And even though he loved bananas and enjoyed bananas and bananas had been good to him in return and there were plenty of other bananas out there as well....AND....he had only three punches to go before his FREE slurpie...the Monkey swore to the gods that he would NEVER...and he did mean EVER eat a banana again as long as he should live. And then some.

So off he went to live his banana-less life.

Now in fact, it IS possible to lead a banana-less life. People do it every day. You mostly can recognize them by the way they muck about shouting they will never eat another banana again as long as they would live!

But, they are only fooling themselves. For life is not truly lived without a banana.

And the Monkey was steadfast in his resolve to NEVER (and he did mean EVER) eat a banana ever again.

Time passed.

At first it was easy this banana-less life. And friends cheered him on.

But, as days passed to weeks and weeks passed to months and well, the next thing you know years had gone by.

And the Monkey began to notice that his friends no longer cheered him on. In fact...everywhere he looked his FRIENDS were eating BANANAS!

As the Monkey pondered this along came a man with a basket of nuts. Beautiful, honey-gold nuts....they looked delicious!

But, nuts are not bananas and no amount of nuts can take the place of a banana.

Though the Monkey did not know this.

The Monkey hid behind a tree (though not a banana tree) and watched as the man hid the honey-gold nuts in a short, brown stump.

When the man went away the Monkey inspected the stump. There was only a small knot-hole with which to gain access to the nuts. But the Monkey focused all his attention and energy on the task and soon had pushed his entire paw inside the stump and.... at last.... was able to grab a handful of the honey-gold nuts!

"Ah-ha!" he cried... though there was no one to hear him as all his friends were busy eating their bananas. "I have the nuts! These nuts shall replace bananas in my life!"

And off he bounded happily through the forest!

Except he didn't.

For when the Monkey closed his fist around the nuts his paw became the wrong shape to be removed from the knot hole.

And that was that.

"I have the nuts!" he shouted to no one. "Right here! All mine! I don't need a banana!"

"What was that?" shouted down a monkey in a (banana) tree. "I can't hear you...I'm eating a banana!"

"Well. It doesn't matter." said the Monkey. "I have the nuts."

And there he sat.

And sat.

And sat.

And sat with his nuts clutched tightly in his paw.

He couldn't eat them.

He couldn't converse with them.

And worst of all he couldn't share them.

But all the same he had the nuts.

Until one day, quite out of the blue, along came a girl Monkey.

With a banana.

"Would you like to share my banana?" asked the girl Monkey.

"No!" said the Monkey. ALL bananas are bad! I'll content myself with my nuts if you don't mind. They're mine.

"But, I have a perfectly good banana." said the girl Monkey.

"So you say!" said the Monkey. And he clutched his nuts tighter than ever.

But time passed and the girl Monkey remained.

She did not go away.

She told the Monkey stories.

And listened carefully as he described to her The Importance of Nuts. Though he always pretended to be speaking to someone else.

And generally did nothing the Monkey could find to truly complain about...even though he tried very hard to make some silly things up.

In truth, the Monkey liked the distraction of the girl Monkey and her banana.

But it wouldn't do to say that out loud.

And the girl Monkey just sat there with her banana...out of his reach.

Then, oddly, one day the girl Monkey began to peel her banana.

"No sense in wasting a perfectly good banana." she thought to herself.

She took a bite.

Then she offered a bite to the Monkey.

And the Monkey contemplated his situation.

Hold fast to his nuts? Or take a bite of the lovely banana the girl Monkey offered him?

For to reach the banana he would have to leave the stump.

His paw was beginning to ache.

His head was beginning to ache.

And the banana was so very tempting.

And he was so very hungry and lonesome...as the nuts were not as good company as he had once thought.

They were not as good company as the girl Monkey.

They were not as good company as the banana.

So....

Slowly....carefully....and with great caution....the monkey began to stretch his paw straight until one by one the nuts began to fall.

The nuts reached the bottom of the stump with a loud plunk.

And for a moment the Monkey felt fear.

Yet still the girl Monkey stayed.

As he carefully withdrew his paw from the stump a great feeling of relief and happiness washed over him.

He approached the girl Monkey. And still she did not leave.

She offered him her banana.

Oh, he hadn't had a good banana in so very long.

And he took a bite of the banana that the girl Monkey offered. The girl Monkey who stayed.

And, do you know? It wasn't bad after all.

These days they live happily in the forest sharing bananas together.

Good bananas.

And while they still enjoy going about on their own to nibble a few nuts, now it only takes them half the time to get to the 11th slurpie.....

And still, the girl Monkey stays.

**author note: It is said that a certain type of monkey is captured by man in the jungles with weighted contraptions liken unto the stump in my story. They could save their lives by letting go of the nuts.....but they refuse. MLRF c.'04

MLRF '07

Thanks, Robby....

MLRF '07

"PLUNDERED" QUOTABLE QUOTES

FOXMORTON'S ALL TIME FAVORITE PIRATICAL QUOTES

"Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit on his hands, hoist the Black Flag and begin slitting throats."
~Henry Lewis Mencken 1880-1956

"Even Pirates, before they attack another ship, hoist the Black Flag."
~Bela Kiraly

"Set sail without an anchor. If you don't have one you can't be tempted to use one.
I believe the successful pirate should never rest his sails."
~The Great Pirate Squirrel Manning in "BUSINESS PLAN FOR PIRATE'S 101"

"Ne'er trust a silver platter."
~Tim Curry as Long John Silver

"Th' quickest way t' a pirate's heart be through 'is ribcage."
~taken from "FOXMORTON'S DATING TIPS FOR THE ASPIRING PIRATESS"

"No time wasted...straight up along side...every gun brought to play...and the Prize boarded."
~Cap'n Calico Jack Rackam's plan of attack

"Half-cocked and fully-loaded."
~Last complaint filed against Foxmorton by potential beau

"The best means of defense is attack."
~the Piratess Grania O'Malley
***************************

FOXMORTON'S EPITAPH

********

A broadside straight

A broadside well

A broadside rang her sweet Death Knell

But if ye've unfinished business to quell

Know ye Foxmorton will see thee in Hell.

FULL FATHOM FIVE

lies

Mimi Lily Rose Foxmorton

Drunk & Sunk

********

MLRF 'o6